The customer experience of global conference calls

As we conduct business globally the need to communicate across borders increases which cannot rely upon air travel in every instance as the costs can rapidly spiral leaving us looking for alternative means of communications. The video conference has been a staple of modern business and Skype has found a home in even the most conventional organisation but we still rely on the conference call for the bulk of our interactions that can't be dealt with by email. We dial into the conference carefully typing in our 18 digit code then pressing the hash key to alert all parties to our presence. When you finally get in you need to establish your presence among the throng of voices as you question the value in why you bothered.  The chairman does their best to Marshall all the opinions and keep a single voice policy but this all to readily breaks down into anarchy as everyone battles to get their voice to the top of the table. Leaving the call your head aches and your ear throbs from the hours spent squinting at the earpiece. Conference calls. Epic fail with anything more than four people. 

The customer experience of hardware failure

We live in digital times with our lives played out through the interweb with a smart phone, tablet or laptop never far from our reach. As a result these electronic aids form an essential part of everyday life with blind panic setting in if we can't check our emails at a moments notice to check on that latest offer from Groupon for a fish pedicure at half price. This means hardware failure of one of these precious gems hits us like a cold hard slap to the face. Whatever the timing it is invariably the end of the world as we see the blue screen of death on a machine or worse still nothing, no flicker, no clever flowing graphics, no 70's sounding doorbell noises. Just a loss of functionality and an end to life as we know it. Of course every cloud.....this loss of utility for some sparks the flash of genius which heralds upgrade. That shiny new laptop you have been subtly interweaving into conversation with your other half now becomes a whole new topic of interest as they too are thrown into the dark ages of tech. While your trusty machine lays wounded you feverishly begin researching its successor. Bigger processors, chips, screens, memory. You name it more, more, more. While all the time last years laptop now lies defunc and most likely easily repaired but this would remove this wonderful opportunity for an upgrade you don't need to justify. Hardware failure. Maybe not such an epic fail. 

The customer experience of the cinema in half term

The school holidays create chaos for parents trying to juggle time off within their limited annual holiday allowance. Half terms let's kids recharge their batteries from week after week of schooling where their brains soak up learning but wipes them out. This extra time needs parents to work out daily action plans to entertain the kids free from the routine of school. The world of Hollywood has tuned into this annual cycle releasing junior blockbusters to coincide with this target audience availability. Half term daytime cinema therefore becomes mayhem awash with haribo pumped under 10's more interested in vending machines and pic'n mix than what movie they are planning to see. Inside the theatre Dolby digital does its best to drown out slurping and sweetie wrapper sounds as at least one child per hour goes into meltdown escorted from the building. The entire event an assault on the senses for unsuspecting parents. Epic customer experience but you wouldn't miss it because before you know it they will heading out alone and your services won't be needed. 

The customer experience of the big storm

The morning after the night before sees homeowners tentatively open their curtains and fear the view that awaits them hoping for no little presents from the big storm that would not meet with a welcome withdrawal from the bank balance that is bracing itself for Christmas. As we closed our doors last night we prepared for the storm that had been forecast for days and has dominated the national media all weekend. The storm hit the UK with winds greater than 80 mph and fences and trees failed to meet the challenge falling to the ground or for many unfortunates falling to meet windows and buildings. The aftermath leaves us battling to secure fencing repair services and various home improvement companies all of whom were less concerned by the upcoming storm as they prepare for a boom in business. Epic storm, not the most epic customer experience for a Monday morning. 

The customer experience of a pre-work swim

No shower. No shave. No breakfast. No coffee. Straight to the pool and a chlorine wake up dunk means extremely early o'clock and a shock to the system. As we strive to fit more into less time, sleep is a poor loser where we are forced to make compromises. Eating just about keeps a look in as we conduct our busy lives but throwing exercise into the mix means somewhere there is a sacrifice - sleep!  The dawn swim club are a select crowd all in the sub 30 minute per mile capability and all sporting streamline swimming apparel with style and street cred long since forgotten. Little conversation features as the drones prepare to clock in their lengths for the day eager to get on with it before they bottle it altogether and head for a bacon sandwich instead. As a customer we are pretty undemanding, ideally we want our own lane but failing that we want someone running the same drills as us and not slowing us down or perish the thought showing us up. We fear the pensioner floater who might enter our lane and disrupt our time for the day knowing that if they head for our lane they will be  floating their way straight down the centre of the lane without much awareness of this human torpedo they are now a target for. Post swim again it's all function and rarely is their any appetite for anything other than efficient washing and exit to start the day. Ticking the healthy box. Epic. Ticking enough sleep and social interaction. Epic fail. 

Roadworks - the customer experience you always want to avoid

The number of vehicles trundling around the UK road network increases year on year as we hide from sub-standard public transport alternatives. While Japan has 200mph bullet trains and double decker super trains sweep across Europe we have overcrowded trains from the 70's and an elderly bus service. No wonder even given the price of motoring that the number of vehicles heads in an upward direction. This pressure on our roads means commuting around the various bottle necks can be a hideous experience as traffic updates on the radio become crucial listening trying to avoid the worst of the congestion. Our sprawling metropolis' mean we are forever tinkering with the roads, new roundabouts, contra flows, road widening, laying cable, replacing sewage works. You name it our roads are subjected to a 24/7 facelift that deploys traffic cones onto any vacant plot of tarmac. Roadworks means delays which means frustrated motorists and complete loss of perspective in how we treat our fellow travellers. Roadworks light the ignition on most of us to become impatient and irrational as we become angry at the latest bout of roadworks. They are never a welcome addition to your journey and are always an epic fail in getting where you need to when you need to. 

The customer experience of a home valuation

The UK property market is hotting up with London house prices reported to have increased by 10% in September alone. A scary figure for those wishing to join the property ladder and food for thought for those lucky enough to be home owners. For those home owners it would be easy to entertain the prospect of cashing in on this economic upturn exiting the market or downsizing. Even those not planning any moves take interest in this shift as mortgage owners have the prospect of better equity ratios and improved deals on the horizon. Moving forwards with any of these actions means before long your path is likely to cross with a house valuation. The peoples choice is a desk valuation where all the pain and inconvenience is a silent activity far more preferable to the invasion of property visit and the uncertainty this brings. Welcoming a stranger with an oversized tablet into your home to give them the guided tour of your castle selling every improvement you have made eager to point out the merits of your luxury new coat hooks you had professionally installed. Post survey you are left violated and desperate for news of a huge valuation. Eventually following days of uncertainty the results appear in your inbox like an unwanted exam result you fear opening. Epic or epic fail awaiting you in the mail. 

The customer experience of a trip to the dentist

Those words you simply don't want to hear at the dentist "did your parents lose most of their teeth?".  From childhood we are conditioned to fear the dentist and dread upcoming appointments made worse with age as we also are treated with the pleasure of paying for the experience. The visit looms large in our diary even when the appointment is merely for a check up as we know deep down that we are unlikely to escape without some pain and / or gut wrenching fear of what is to come. Some people skirt through life rarely frequenting a dentist and boast of their pearly whites in pristine condition whilst the rest of us religiously attend the church of teeth to receive our punishment for poor quality flossing and levels of oral hygiene. It seems with age so increases the routine of teeth cleaning as we first invest in an electric toothbrush as we can no longer be trusted to brush in the right way. This is soon followed by paint stripper-esque mouthwash and dental floss. Recently this family of cleanliness has been added to with some curious wire brushes to really help batter my teeth. A trip to the dentist cannot be over quickly enough for me and I fear that in the future I will need to man up and look back with longing at the lightweight pain of a hygenist appointment that I would previously moan about. Teeth cleaning for most. Epic fail. 

The customer experience of a trip to your local Santander branch

The wonderful world of the web has changed the way we shop, search, read, watch, work and bank with many of us rarely needing to leave our homes to conduct much of our lives. A decent broadband connection is enough to get online and do a multitude of things making our lives easier and more efficient. The world of banking is in the most part just numbers on screens pushed from one account to another so consumer banking services online makes a huge amount if sense. There is no service to compare or product quality to investigate in person just a clear interface to see your bank balance dwindle during the course of the month as you long for the next pay day. This means we rarely venture into the high street branch of our local bank so have little connection with the staff or indeed the services they offer. So braving Santander on a Saturday was a pleasant surprise with staffon hand to help and equipped with all the skills needed to see me on my way in double quick time. The layout of the modern branch of Santander is a bit unusual as you navigate your way to the till past curved walls of office pods and bright garish colours make you feel like this is a young and hip institute. That said the customer experience in branch is good and with it being a novelty somewhat epic. 

The customer experience of a man shop

A shopping trip for most men is an experience to be avoided at all costs unless the trip heads to a DIY superstore men will be heading to the hills. The concept of men are from Mars and women are from Venus is rarely more relevant than in the shopping context. Women will organise weekend trips to enjoy such a past time whereas men would actively pay not to attend such a venture. Men are in the most part a functional creature so the prospect of drifting around a shopping centre with no real purpose is as foreign to them as donning a pair of heels. We can be dragged into the arena of shopping enticed by rewards such as a pint or a bacon sandwich but you will struggle to see us looking outwardly happy about the trip. Sexist?  Maybe but women and men getting pleasure from different past times is not such a crazy concept. Shopping trips for men are far from epic and for women to have an epic experience I suggest you leave us behind!  

The customer experience of breakfast at your desk

The classic British fry up is an institution not content with merely dominating UK  cafes and bed & breakfast establishments but spreading its wings to various summer holiday destinations of Brits abroad eager to find that taste of home while in the sun. This cholesterol nightmare is for most a treat and reserved for a Friday or weekend treat after a hard week of grinding out a living. For those other days where the weekend seems but a distant destination too far away to seriously contemplate breakfast becomes a more mundane affair littered with cereals and toasted products. For many this routine has now been moved from the dining room table to the desk at work as people are having to travel further and leave homes at such ungodly early hours that the prospect of eating at this time is offensive. The result is an army of workers in solitary confinement with their personal breakfast selection as they log onto to find what the day ahead awaits them. This gives rise and opportunity for some serious people watching opportunities and social commentary on each other's breakfast habits as the low calorie granola punter trades insults with the sausage sandwich connoisseur. We plough through our respective breakfasts pouring breakfast residue into our keyboards while sniping at those around us for their choice in morning grub each preparing for another day of working life. Epic? 

The customer experience of a commuter train to London

As autumn takes hold in the UK with nights drawing in and the temperature dropping the daily commute becomes an increasingly painful experience no longer softened by the pleasant morning sunrise to help ease the journey. Mornings now as dark as the middle of the night are accompanied by a chill in the air requiring the winter coat and scarf to be retrieved from its summer hibernation status. With commuter trains packed to Indianesque levels of loading people squeeze to get onto the train using their favoured door scouring the arriving carriage for that sacred vacant seat to use. Those lucky enough to find a seat can enjoy a journey of personal space invasion while being overlooked with envy by those not so fortunate to secure a seat who now stand over you eyeing you like prey. Having paid a premium for your ticket you have the right to expect something for your money but alas this you should expect an aging train and a mass of like minded disgruntled passengers. The commute is never an easy experience as we all wish for more sleep and are troubled by the stresses of the day ahead but with overpacked trains to add into the mix unfortunately tempers can be lost and ugly scenes be the result. Our rail network is far from first class and our brightest and best attempting to get to work and make a difference deserve better. The customer experience of using the commuter train is a far from epic experience. 

The customer experience of remortgaging

Home ownership is a glorious life event full of wonderful opportunities such as guttering replacement and tracking down mystery smells from the plumbing. Having purchased your dream property you are then free to stamp your own style on your home with as much wooden cladding and soft furnishings as your bank balance will permit. Before you have had much chance to recover from the signing of huge cheques and committing to monstrous levels of debt the end of your original mortgage term comes to an end. This then very quickly results in you staring down the barrel of remortgaging and going through much of the brain aching decisions once more. Hopefully your home has appreciated in value and you have some chance for smug satisfaction in your decision but unfortunately this will have had zero impact on how much you owe. Unless you have been supremely saintly and overpaid religiously the scary big number will still be there and need a mortgage. With the help of many financial folk you can manoeuvre through the remortgage process and secure a better deal than previously ensuring you tick every box in the right way and get paperwork signed, double signed and triple copied all in good time. This complex mine field of financial and legal issues is enough to scare the most pedantic consumer who rarely have to face such matters leaving the path of least resistance often the chosen one. Remortgaging. Epically scary customer experience. 

The customer experience of a takeaway curry

We are a nation who love to cook from Great British bake off to Masterchef, every spare inch of broadcasting can be filled with wannabe Michelin star chefs sharing their views on the best way to sauté an aubergine. Alas we are not all gifted with the talent or time to devote entire days to preparing a glorious banquet and as a result many meals are not exactly TV worthy with a plate of baked beans regularly the food of choice for time and talent starved individuals. The takeaway makes a further case for not cooking deluxe dinners as we have the choice of a range of options for takeaway food with many offering to bring your food to your door so you can gorge uninterrupted on strictly come dancing awaiting the doorbell announcing the arrival of your takeaway dinner that required no more effort than a phone call.  While eating out is always king with cash strapped Britain the takeaway is one luxury we can justify as we bank the savings of staying in with the small pain of still having to do the washing up. This small inconvenience easily forgiven as we settle on our sofas with our dinner on our laps with all the family convinced their meal is the best choice from menu, a result of everyone being able to pick exactly what they fancied. Takeaway dinner. Epic customer experience from the comfort of your home. 

The customer experience of banking text messages

Banks are dependent upon having up to date contact information for their customers, essential in the event of any fraud issues where they need to contact you with minimal delay.  This rich customer data provides the additional benefit of accurate contact information for building out self service functionality and marketing. One of the early self service capabilities developed was using SMS messaging to send a regular bank statement update of your last 5 transactions.  Also useful for text alerts upon overdraft usage or limits changes. The bank statement service is a useful mechanism to keep a track on your finances throughout the month but can be an unwanted intrusion especially if like me you elect to receive it on a Friday. As all thoughts drift to the weekend you begin to relax and consider the joys ahead over the next two days while hiding from the working week when BANG into your inbox is a message from your bank. Not a loved one or friend sending you a text with some banter about your weekend antics but your bank telling you how little cash you have to kick off these activities. A good idea?  Undoubtedly, but a sobering reminder of life's responsibilities before you even introduce your taste buds to any alcohol. Banking text messages. Epic?  Not really but sensible, absolutely. 

The customer experience of a patchy mobile network

EE, Vodafone, O2 all claim to have the best mobile network in the UK with EE leading the way in 4G coverage. I have been trialling a 4G phone alongside my other 3G lesser devices keen to feel the lightning speed of 4G which thus far has been underwhelming. What is has lead me to consider more is the reliability of my 3G networks. The third generation mobile network (3G) has been with us for nearly ten years now in the UK having been pioneered even earlier in other parts of the globe such as japan and the states. Such a retro classic piece of tech should by now be completely bullet proof which makes it totally exasperating when we feel connectivity issues. Last week the whole O2 network went down for a few hours which is a pain but it is not these hugely public failures that trouble me most but loss of signal on any given day on a network over ten years old. The massive explosion in smart phones has clearly stretched 3G to breaking point but basic functionality should not be a problem. Why do I experience call drop outs from loss of signal when driving across Surrey, Hampshire and Berkshire. I'm not asking for super fast 3G data services here. Just to use the phone for - phone calls!  A crazy phenonenom I grant you but obviously a stretch too far. Yes I want 4G and better data services but as a minimum allow me to make a phone call without complete meltdown. Epic. Far from it. 

The dark art of Shazam

It's a normal Wednesday morning as you head to your local coffee house for a breakfast pick me up and as you reach for your wallet you hear that amazing new song you love but can't remember the name. How do you stop your mind from spinning trying to remember?  Shazam!!!  The answer to this painful customer experience is found in a mobile application where you can "Shazam" that tune and instantly end your miserly of searching your brain cells for the answer. The app essentially has one key button to begin recording a snippet of the music up to ten seconds in length and upon discovering the origins of your unknown track responds with the answer. This witchcraft of technology can accept any section of music and send you the result in seconds for free!  How does this magic work in the background of the web?  Shazam have built a database of music with unique signatures for every one so it can instantly match your song choice and respond with the answer. This clever data matching ends one of life's miseries of not being able to remember a track title all with the power of the internet. Epic. 

The lack of customer experience from a mobile

M-Commerce is changing the face of consumer shopping as we have evolved beyond merely shopping online to shopping anywhere sometimes while in the process of physically shopping!  Modern smart phones working on efficient mobile networks offer the perfect platform for companies to increase sales in an efficient manner removing the reliance upon a physical shopfront or call centre staff fielding enquiries. M-Commerce connects buyers directly to the purchase process seizing the moment where the demand to buy has peaked and a potential customer wants to complete the transaction that instant. This revolution in customer behaviour is unfortunately being let down by businesses capacity to adapt to this change in behaviour by delivering mobile friendly optimised web sites. The recent study by Eptica ( http://www.eptica.com/Eptica-Mobile-Experience-Study.html ) shows the scale of this problem which is backed up by other reports on the level of dropout for customers frustrated by the difficulties in using mobile payment solutions. What does this all mean?  We aren't ready for mobile and companies need to prioritise in mobile web projects to give us an epic m-commerce experience. 

The nike+ running application customer experience

Having been a user of map my run for a number of years the prospect of trying something new was not on my to do list but with a number of people recommending it I decided to take the challenge and try out the nike+ application. On first impressions the user interface on my iPhone is superb with beautiful scrolling graphics giving access to the various options replicating a rolling road concept that is hugely more interactive than a list of option buttons. The functionality of the application is straight forward enough using the GPS signal to track distance and speed logging the route with runner history. Some nice touches are the gamification side of the application where you amass fuel points and can invite friends to compete on speed and distance compelling you to enter into contest on the regular training runs. The application also has a power song feature allowing you to nominate a key tune to kick in when you start to slow down and power you to victory. One particularly nice touch is in addition to the standard ongoing update of progress by the voice over lady overlaying your music is that upon completion I was commended by Paula Radcliffe on my best 10k time which was an unexpected gift not normally receiving praise from former Olympic legends.  Overall it is pretty epic but not enough to pull me away from years of loyal logging into map my run. 

The customer experience you can't hide from - a hangover

Nights spent drinking in the pub always seem like a good idea as you enjoy the banter of your friends and sink various poisonous fluids that your body has no interest in. For most the daily chore of healthy living is the norm as we take our vitamin supplements and eat our low fat produce so when alcohol is thrown into the mix it is at first welcomed as we have forgotten the pain from the last experience.  The morning after is something we can't hide from and made even more real when the drinking has been on a school night meaning that the morning alarm is all too soon waking us from our drunken coma. Before we can creep our way out of the bed the hangover strikes and sets to work pounding our head and churning our stomach. All normal routine is abandoned as the shower feels painful and fridge unnecessarily loud. The victim quickly realises that all regular feelings will be absent for the remainder of the day as the hangover takes hold while your body does its best to rid itself of the evil alcohol and we vow never to drink again. Hangovers. An epic fail for daily life. 

The customer experience of car sharing

Going green is a serious consideration for companies eager to create a positive picture of considerate enterprise where no carbon, kittens or puppies were harmed during their daily business. One easy win on the environmental agenda for firms is car sharing and making steps to encourage this practice by offering preferential parking arrangements or even financial incentives. For those partaking in car sharing it is a juggling exercise to align start and end times working in a much more public transport regimented fashion which can be a culture shock for those used to travelling alone in their car and able to lock the world outside their doors. Colleagues have to negotiate this delicate landscape including avoiding any critique over personal driving habits and behaviours. Possibly the most challenging aspect of this relationship is day after day finding small talk to fill the time during the commute as a silent hour in the car can all too easily feel more like days of tense atmospheric pressure. This small talk needs to consider personal boundaries ensuring from the outset topics for discussion as established, work, home, relationships, sport. Often an easy middle ground is talking around cars which rarely stretch personal bias or threaten offence allowing regular updates on the state of vehicles and potential new ones. Car sharing for easy green epicness. 

The customer experience of a windows 8 phone

The latest release of iOS 7 must have filled windows 8 developers with joy as they looked on at their rivals latest offering with smirking glances and harsh critique. Apple seem to have lost the beautiful edge they previously raved about adopting a more clinical and functional interface which has opened doors for android and windows. The windows 8 platform sits inside the Nokia devices and offers its tiled view of the world in place of the familiar iconic sheets in Apple and android. The world of windows is much more vertically aligned as you swipe down to reveal portlets to the various corners of functionality. The interface is more fluid than some android devices with a glitch free experience and hugely different to the Nokia's of old. While the interface is a departure from the iPhone that is sold on intuitiveness it is still very accessible with my nine year old able to quickly work out the camera and change the lock screen without any questions. The user interface is extremely good although not to everyone's taste but for anyone foreign to smart phone usage they would no doubt be thrilled with its capabilities. The killer difference for this will be the applications. Without these it will never be epic and risk following blackberry to the mobile graveyard. Windows 8, where are the apps? 

The customer experience of a courtesy car

Time to time our often unloved motors need some TLC too and have to spend the day having a rest at the garage while we carry on as normal mindful of how much this latest fix will set us back. Often this creates the opportunity for a loan car to become our transport for the day which we can enjoy and abuse for the day.  A courtesy car commands zero respect from us as it is a short relationship that has been thrust upon us often with an inferior product to the one we handed over and are paying the privilege for. As a result this compact vehicle of many owners has to be prepared to be completely abused from the moment it comes into contact with us. This lack of any respect does not stretch as far as dinging the poor motor as that would result in more painful paperwork but more unseen damage as we test every aspect of the rev counter. Thrashed to within an inch of its life this temporary vehicle is returned to its garage ready for the next foster owner to take it for the day and stress test every one of its tyres. Courtesy cars never a good used car option.