The customer experience of your modern day barbers

For women the hairdressers is a place of pandering and social engagement as you are tempted into trying out the latest style and colour by a glamorous stylist who really wants to connect deeply with you. For men the regular schlep to the barbers does not follow quite the same path. Men's barbers have tried to adapt to the metrosexual man of the 21st century offering styling products and digital TVs tuned to any dance specialist music channel but these wannabe establishments need to work and obey the same rules as your old school barber who has a red and white sign and an array of well thumbed copies of yesterday's Sun newspaper. These rules of engagement governing our customer experience are as follows :-

1) I essentially want the same hair cut I walked in with only shorter 

2) if you are a male hair dresser, under no circumstances should my elbows connect with any part of your midriff during the proceedings 

3) I don't really want to be here so make this as quick and pain free as possible  

4) I have no idea what the back of my head looks like so tapered or square means nothing to me so just crack on and refer to rule 3

5) paying more than £10 for a haircut seems obscene to me so please don't expect tip 

6) I'm not really great at chitter chatter so please don't ask me about my holidays, work or family but concentrate on not chopping my ears off

7) any extra grooming activity beyond my hair cut needs to be first discussed and agreed before you start any form of waxing, threading, burning, stroking, or use of any form of hot towel

8) I expect to look better when leaving than when coming in

9) I'm a creature of habit so if you make a half decent fist of cutting my hair expect to see me returning until you retire 

10) and finally if I ever come in clutching a photo of any celebrity and ask for a hair cut like them please refuse and refer to rule 1